To-Do List
by missemmatorchwood
Summary: Tormenting Owen Harper... Sorry, DOCTOR Owen Harper... shouldn't be this much fun or this easy!


**To-Do List**

Without bothering to knock first, Owen angrily slammed open the door to Jack's office and stomped across the room, throwing himself down in the vacant chair, then sat there glaring daggers across the desk at Jack.

Very calmly, Jack completed his signature at the bottom of the page, capped his pen and set it down, closed the file and put it in his OUT box and looked at the medic. "Something I can do for you, Dr Harper?"

Owen crossed his arms over his chest and slouched lower in his seat. "My lab is a mess."

"And…"

"_And_… Tea-Boy didn't clean it, that's what's _and_, Jack!" he snarled.

"Who made the mess?"

"It wasn't my fault!"

Jack cocked his head. "And whose fault was it?"

"It was that damn Slonsiut!"

"And how did he make a mess? He's dead."

"Well…" Owen suddenly squirmed uncomfortably. "He sort of…"

"Yes?"

"It's bowels let go and there's god damn shit all over the bloody floor, okay!" Owen shouted.

"Ewww… Really?" Jack grimaced. "It's been in the morgue for what… four days? Shouldn't that have already happened?"

Owen shrugged. "Human's evacuate their bowels after death if there's faecal matter in them, same with the bladder, but not always. Sometimes the embalmer has to empty them when it's preparing the body but not that often."

"So what did you learn from this?"

"I guess Slonsiut's aren't the same as humans even though we look pretty much alike."

"Isn't that information in the file Ianto brought up from the Archives for you three days ago?" Jack asked. "Didn't you read the info before you started working on the corpse?" Jack felt like he was talking to a child who hadn't done his homework.

Realising he was caught, Owen shrugged again. "I dunno…"

"Owen?"

"All right!" Owen snarled. "I didn't read the file! Happy now?"

"Not really, no." Jack shook his head. "Ianto brought that information to you for a reason. What if its shit had been toxic, or its body cavity had released a deadly gas when you cut into it?"

Owen couldn't resist such a blatant opening and he burst out laughing. "Deadly alien farts!"

Jack had to bite the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing as well. "Owen!" he scolded.

"You have to admit that is pretty funny, Jack." The voice came from the doorway and both men turned to see Ianto standing there grinning at them. "Now, where did that come from?"

"Owen's current autopsy…" Jack began.

"It wasn't my fault!"

"Apparently crapped all over the floor," he finished.

"And…" Ianto unknowingly echoed Jack's previous question.

"And Owen wants to know why you haven't cleaned it up yet," Jack looked at his medic. "Did I get that right, Dr Harper?"

The glare Owen directed at him was answer enough.

"Ahhh…" Ianto nodded. "Why didn't he clean it up himself?"

Owen scowled deeply. "Not my job!"

Ianto frowned. "Well, Owen, in case you haven't noticed, I perform my duties in order of priority. I have just spent the last hour cleaning and restocking the SUV so that the next time we get a call-out, we have everything we need to do our job properly and safely." Again, Ianto unknowingly copied Jack, using the same patient tone.

"Now you have time to go clean up that shit then," Owen grumbled.

"No," Ianto shook his head. "Now I'm going upstairs to wait for lunch to be delivered."

"See? Priorities," Jack nodded. "I'm hungry."

"You're kidding!" Owen's voice was now an angry whine of outrage. "You're telling me that picking up pizza is more important than cleaning my autopsy bay!?"

"Yep." Jack popped the 'P' just the way he liked hearing Ianto do. "Ianto and I missed breakfast because we went out on an early morning Weevil call, leaving you all warm and cosy in your bed while we slogged it out in the rain."

"Yeah, but…" Owen didn't know what to say. Getting out of bed was one of the worst parts of his day. "Okay, thanks for that," he reluctantly admitted.

"Then after we have lunch and I clean up the resulting mess the four of you inevitably leave, I will make a round a coffee for everyone."

Owen's dour look brightened slightly at the prospect of Ianto's coffee.

"Next on my list is finalising and sending a budget report to Buckingham Palace for Her Majesty's review."

"That doesn't sound like a priority to me," Owen sneered. "That's just bloody paperwork!"

Ianto sighed. "Well then, I guess you don't want to be paid."

"Huh…?"

"And to think I was going to propose a wage rise." Ianto shook his head and looked at Jack. "Silly me, thinking we were overdue…"

"No!" Owen quickly protested as he sat up from his slump. "That's okay!"

"Well, all right," Ianto acquiesced. "But only if you're sure… I mean really, really

sure."

"Yeah! I want my money!"

Jack looked at Owen. "Are you happy now, Dr Harper?" he asked sternly.

"Hell yeah!" Owen laughed. "More money is always great!"

Jack then turned to Ianto. "Ianto, thank you as always for taking good care of the team. Now, I believe you came up here for a reason?" His eyes twinkled as he looked at the archivist.

"Ah, yes Sir," Ianto nodded back, "I'm leaving now for my dental appointment, remember?"

"Oh…" Having indeed forgotten, Jack momentarily deflated; he'd been hoping for a close-the-blinds-and-lock-the-door interlude with his favourite Welshman.

Reading Jack's mind, Ianto crossed over, kissed the top of his head and whispered, "how about I make up the time this evening… Sir." He felt Jack shiver in anticipation.

"Then you'd better get going, don't want to be late," Jack said gruffly, willing his trousers to un-tent before he had to stand up.

"Sir," Ianto nodded. "Owen." He turned smartly on his heel and disappeared down the stairs, his departure a few moments later loudly announced by the claxon on the cog door.

Jack picked up his pen and selected the next file to be reviewed; he was halfway down the page when it occurred to him that Owen was still sat in front of his desk. He looked up to see the medic staring at him with an incredulous expression.

"Something else I can do for you, Owen?"

"Did you just let the tea-boy leave before he cleaned up the mess in autopsy?" Owen spoke slowly and clearly, enunciating every word.

"He wasn't going to clean it up, didn't you hear his To-Do list?"

"Well, he's coming back, isn't he?"

"His dental appointment is at 3.30 so, no," Jack shook his head. "I told him I'd feed Janet and Myfanwy for him, so he's not coming back til tomorrow morning."

"Okay, fine," Owen got his feet. "I'll see you in the morning too."

"Owen…"

"What!"

"Don't forget to clean up your mess before you go." Jack returned to his paperwork.

Clearly dismissed, Owen flung open the door, slammed it shut behind him hard enough to rattle the glass and then stomped down the stairs, yelling profanity with every step.

"Fuuuuu…!"

end


End file.
